Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Bug bites.

Yesterday something bit me on my shoulder area. My arm went numb. And today it just hurts like if it was sore from a shot. It's weird. On a brighter note, I can finally start working tomorrow. I was starting to think this wasn't going to happen, my job. But things are slowly falling into place. I've made a few realizations in the past few days. Running in the mornings puts me in a good mood for the rest of the day. I can tolerate more and I am happier. Also, when you group all your computers to one large computer somewhere, that large computer will fail and take all the other computers with it. The MVD (as AZ likes to call their DMV) has had their computers down since Saturday I believe. According to them, the computers would be up again yesterday at noon. We went today again, they are still down, but only for drivers licenses and identifications. Of course I needed to get an identification. Anyway, I've also come to realize that something small can be blown way out of proportion quite easily. Take my bug bite for example. My mom slowly freaked because my arm was numb. Then she tells my sister who tells her all sorts of symptoms to watch for. Of course this worries my husband who loves researching my ailments on the internet. This just worries him more. All this "loveliness" culminating with me trying to sleep but being afraid to die because my throat felt like it was closing up. A bug bite created all this paranoia. A bug bite. It got way out of proportion very quickly and today it is all fine. I'm not afraid to die anymore and my arm is still numb and sore.
Life is lovely. Really lovely, no quotation marks. Even though all these small things happen that I manage to blow out of proportion, nothing of a large proportion actually happens. And that is awesome. I used to wish something big would happen, but usually big things are negative. (Although getting married was big and that was good) But right now, life is going it's course and I don't mind that. I enjoy this lovely journey of life with my amazing husband.

Monday, July 25, 2011


So I've been pondering. Many many ponderings. Why? That's a big one. It's the question almost everyone dreads. Parents dread those silly questions from their children that begin with "why." That pesky question that lingers in the back of your mind, "why?" Or when you ask a question and the answer isn't an answer, instead it is "why?" It isn't like the other W's. It ask for a deeper answer. The ultimate answer. The motive. The meaning. And it is associated with negativity. I posted "...but why?" on my Facelibro status. And the first comment that status gets is "What happened?..." I don't feel like why should be related to negativity. Why can be positive. Instead of why, why not? It is a simple addition to the word that makes it sound not so negative anymore. Don't ask why, ask why not?

On to the next pondering, fear. Fear of loneliness. Fear of losing. Fear that comes from not knowing how to put it into words. Into something cohesive anyone can understand, not just the inner workings of my convoluted brain. I can't seem to put this fear into words. Maybe it's fear of hurting someone very dear or being hurt by someone very dear. It is different fears that lead to another fear and they fester in my same convoluted brain. Maybe it is trying to escape, but the labyrinth that is my brain is trapping it. Either way it is fear that just gets in the way. I need it out so I can once again be the hopeless romantic LUNAtic I once was.

Next pondering, taking it slow. Whatever it may be. Obviously nothing happens overnight except freaking zits. But that is a frustration not a pondering. What exactly does taking it slow entail? Most people relate taking it slow to a relationship. That is not what my taking it slow is about. It is past that. It is more about growing and maturing. But the kid I am on the inside refuses to leave, so I will never fully grow and mature. The problem is, what if one of us grows and matures and leaves the other behind? What then? What if one does not feel like waiting any longer? What if frustration settles in and doesn't allow them to wait? (This is right around where fear comes in, then one would be alone and the other would move on) I don't have a problem with taking it slow, but I wonder if taking it slow together is possible. When you are at different levels, you arrive to your goal at different times or one isn't quite ready when you arrive.

Ponderings continue, other people. I don't mind people as much as I used to. But I am still not at the place I should be when it comes to  socializing and such. I still rather it be just him and I. I don't care for others to be there if they don't need to be. I understand the need for other people every so often, but I prefer it not to be "so often." And it isn't, but I rather take it slow alone with him and not with other people. Other people can be so inopportune. They add even more complexity to something that was already complex to begin with. I'm not ready to invite other people to share in our goals and such. I haven't even had him a long time all alone. It's only been a month and some days and already I'd have to share. I'm not ready for that yet. I hate being alone with him and yet other people take him away. What is the point of that? Being alone, but not really because one of you is somewhere else with someone else. It is an angry pondering.

Unfortunately my ponderings haven't been too positive in the last few days. It's dragging me down. I don't like it. I need to think of other things. I'm sure these ponderings will recur, but so do most ponderings and I can deal with that. On a more positive note, I no longer lack a job! Maybe that will help push away these ponderings, working. Hmmmm...soon enough.
I'm done now.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Of laundry and job lacking...

Another week has begun, it's just another week I lack a job and laundry piles up (regardless of whether I just washed this weekend or not, which I did). I guess laundry is a job in itself, but I don't like this job. Homemaking. Ew. I'm down to keep a clean and comfortable home, don't get me wrong. But I can't just stay home...it's not me. It feels very limiting. There is always something to clean or wash or other homemaking type words. I just can't be inside all day. I like being outside or at least seeing other creatures! Job lacking sucks. But staying at home all day is what really kills me. I want to see people while I do some sort of labor. Or provide them a service. Besides if I stayed home all day, I'd eventually stop cleaning and just sit there bored or watching TV or some other menial activity. NO! I refuse to become that person. Of course, to all the homemakers out there, I commend you. You do something I could never do for very long. Homemaking is not a bad thing, it's just a bad thing for me. I'm sure some would love to stay at home decorating, cleaning, washing and whatnot. And I hope someday they get their wish to stay home. As for me, I want a job. A money paying job that allows me to experience other creatures. But this has gone on long enough. My laundry is only half folded...

In other news, we got an apartment. Finally. It makes me happy.

Okay, I'm done now. "Later days"

Monday, July 11, 2011

30 days - two silly buffalafalos

Marriage. So many long for it and so many others dread even the thought. I was caught in the middle. I wanted love and a partner, but marriage seemed so grown up. Well I now find myself married to the love of my life and my partner in crime for forever and a half. I'm still the same kid, just married to another kid. Life is funny. You hope and plan for something and you get a completely opposite something. I never thought that at 19 I would already be married. I thought I'd be independent, but not married. Attached to another for forever and a half. And now that is exactly what I am. I am happy. Oh so happy!! I am still the same kid inside, but now I can be a kid with someone else. Someone else to show the little things I find in the grass. Someone else to explore new places with. Someone else that protects me from the dark at night. Someone else who loves this weirdo kid. Some kid who makes this kid eternally happy. And it has only been one month! No matter how wrong things go (or maybe they go right just not the right we hoped for) everything is okay. We never stop loving each other. In only 30 days I have seen the amazing life that lies ahead of us. Two kids in love like there is no tomorrow. Two silly buffalafalos.

Friday, March 4, 2011

99 days

And so we've reached the double digits in this endless wait. I guess it really doesn't seem too long ago that it was 160 days, but the wait is, nevertheless, still endless. The good thing is that there are other things to occupy my time while I wait 99 more days. Weddings seem to spread like cancer this year...well spread like something nice. Marriage isn't a cancer, I just had no other comparison at that moment. Either way, there are 2 other weddings this year, one of them this weekend. In Mexico. It's quite lovely to travel and all, but I cannot wait until it's only him and I traveling. And then another in Vegas. Vegas weddings are also very popular, last year my brother was married in Vegas. But not just little chapel weddings, actual ceremonies with official looking officiants! It is all quite exciting, but frustrating, why can't it be June already?! So amidst the traveling and weddings, there is PLANNING. It is tiring. I figured it would be stressful, but it can get so...boring...sometimes. It is a horrible thing to say it seems, but it is the truth. Looking over pictures of hairstyles, cakes, centerpieces, etc can get old very quickly. But I am glad to say, most of it is over with. Invitations? Check. Centerpieces? In progress. Favors? In progress. Cake? Check. Hairstyle? In progress. Dress? Bought.
It is also stressful though, so much money goes into this one day. Where does all this money come from?! I try not to worry too much. It's true, I'm only getting married once. Might as well make it amazing. Jeje. But truly, I am nervous for all the attention. I don't like getting attention from everyone. I like being the center of his world, but only his. Anyone else, it's just weird and makes me nervous. I can definitely do without it. But one day won't kill me and afterward HAWAII! :) Yay for banana pancakes and amazing beaches.
I won't say there are any downsides to this, I can't see any. Waiting is frustrating, but already a year has passed and now there are only 99 days left. I see him everyday and he makes me happy. I can't complain. I love him and he makes me love my life.
Well I think that is all, I just wanted to rant for a small while.

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