So I've been pondering. Many many ponderings. Why? That's a big one. It's the question almost everyone dreads. Parents dread those silly questions from their children that begin with "why." That pesky question that lingers in the back of your mind, "why?" Or when you ask a question and the answer isn't an answer, instead it is "why?" It isn't like the other W's. It ask for a deeper answer. The ultimate answer. The motive. The meaning. And it is associated with negativity. I posted "...but why?" on my Facelibro status. And the first comment that status gets is "What happened?..." I don't feel like why should be related to negativity. Why can be positive. Instead of why, why not? It is a simple addition to the word that makes it sound not so negative anymore. Don't ask why, ask why not?
On to the next pondering, fear. Fear of loneliness. Fear of losing. Fear that comes from not knowing how to put it into words. Into something cohesive anyone can understand, not just the inner workings of my convoluted brain. I can't seem to put this fear into words. Maybe it's fear of hurting someone very dear or being hurt by someone very dear. It is different fears that lead to another fear and they fester in my same convoluted brain. Maybe it is trying to escape, but the labyrinth that is my brain is trapping it. Either way it is fear that just gets in the way. I need it out so I can once again be the hopeless romantic LUNAtic I once was.
Next pondering, taking it slow. Whatever it may be. Obviously nothing happens overnight except freaking zits. But that is a frustration not a pondering. What exactly does taking it slow entail? Most people relate taking it slow to a relationship. That is not what my taking it slow is about. It is past that. It is more about growing and maturing. But the kid I am on the inside refuses to leave, so I will never fully grow and mature. The problem is, what if one of us grows and matures and leaves the other behind? What then? What if one does not feel like waiting any longer? What if frustration settles in and doesn't allow them to wait? (This is right around where fear comes in, then one would be alone and the other would move on) I don't have a problem with taking it slow, but I wonder if taking it slow together is possible. When you are at different levels, you arrive to your goal at different times or one isn't quite ready when you arrive.
Ponderings continue, other people. I don't mind people as much as I used to. But I am still not at the place I should be when it comes to socializing and such. I still rather it be just him and I. I don't care for others to be there if they don't need to be. I understand the need for other people every so often, but I prefer it not to be "so often." And it isn't, but I rather take it slow alone with him and not with other people. Other people can be so inopportune. They add even more complexity to something that was already complex to begin with. I'm not ready to invite other people to share in our goals and such. I haven't even had him a long time all alone. It's only been a month and some days and already I'd have to share. I'm not ready for that yet. I hate being alone with him and yet other people take him away. What is the point of that? Being alone, but not really because one of you is somewhere else with someone else. It is an angry pondering.
Unfortunately my ponderings haven't been too positive in the last few days. It's dragging me down. I don't like it. I need to think of other things. I'm sure these ponderings will recur, but so do most ponderings and I can deal with that. On a more positive note, I no longer lack a job! Maybe that will help push away these ponderings, working. Hmmmm...soon enough.
I'm done now.